My 99 Year Old Grandma and Life's Greatest Lessons

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“Once you get your fingers on the important questions, you can’t turn away from them.”

—And which are the important questions?"

“As I see it, they have to do with love, responsibility, spirituality, awareness. And if I were healthy today, those would still be my issues. They should have been all along.” — Morrie Schwartz

One day at my grandmother’s house we were on the topic of books (surprise surprise), I told her I would bring over one of my favorites I thought she would like, Tuesday’s With Morrie by Mitch Albom.

A true story of a middle aged man who once had a close relationship with his favorite professor in college, Morrie Schwartz, is reunited at the end of Morrie’s life to share one last lesson. And perhaps the most important one. —An old man, a young man, and life’s greatest lesson.

I decided to re-read the novel and ask my grandma about a few of the topics covered in the book. Cora Avery is 99 years old, and with decades of attention to detail with thread work, puzzles, games, and books, her mind is still sharp. I’ve also never really asked her about these important questions on life before. So here we are.

I asked her about Marriage.

About 5 years ago now, my grandfather passed at the age of 99. Right up until then, he lived at home with my gram and they still slept in the same bed. My grandmother was the ripe age of 18 when she married my grandfather. They were married for 76 years! Had 8 children, 16 grandchildren, and 35+ greats and great greats. I think it’s safe to say that my grandma is well briefed on the topic of marriage and how to make one work.

This day though, she spoke with me about the beginning. She said the very first night she met my grandfather, Mr. Nelson Avery, she knew she was going to marry him. —Cue romantic music, fiery sunset, and first kiss! CUT! And that’s a wrap!

I find this outstandingly sweet. This is one element I have found that great, successful relationships have in common. One of them always says something of this sort. They knew right away.

Knowing I am not married, my gram was offering a standpoint of choosing a mate.

She compared dating a man while you’re young and sleeping with him, as a mosquito bite. You want to itch it, and it’s fun to itch it. “I’ll admit it” she says and chuckles. “But at the end of the day, is he who you want all the time?” She pivots into a personal story about substance and made the point—

"We have to learn to love better. REAL love, not just the itch that gets you going." - Cora Avery

“There are a few rules I know to be true about love and marriage: If you don’t respect the other person, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. If you don’t know how to compromise, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. If you can’t talk openly about what goes on between you, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. And if you don’t have a common set of values in life, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. Your values must be alike. And the biggest one of those values, your belief in the importance of your marriage.” — Morrie Schwartz

My grandma often veered off from the topic question and would move into a narrative about the past. I let her go and didn’t try to force the conversation the way I wanted it to. Though at her slow pace, I found myself fidgeting in my chair trying to focus on her words to absorb what she was saying, but also catching myself thinking about my To-Do list and checking my phone. My millennial mind at it’s worst. I recorded our conversation so I wouldn’t have to take notes. And after going back to listen, I realized what initially sounded like diverged stories far from the message, were not at all. This was how she tried to explain- from her experiences. From her stories.. Her points may have been slow, but they were there. It was me who needed to slow down enough to catch them.

I ask her about Aging.

“People today take care of other people better—physically, I mean. I don’t think it’s what they all want.” Her hands wrinkled and velvety, she pointed to her coloring books, pencils and things on her table. She shook her head and said, this isn’t what she wants to do.. “I would like to get up and out, go to meetings and see what’s cooking, and learn.” At 99 years old my grandma still has a desire to learn new things. To be a part of her community and contribute, like she has done her whole life.

Her health has been taken care of well enough to have lived so long.. But she almost seemed sad about it..

My gram has always been a tough nut, notorious for telling it how it is. But she is more delicate these days, physically yes, but also with her spirit. More considerate and sweeter with her words. Her eyes soft and creamy as she peered at me over the tops of her glasses, a smile at the corners of her mouth. Like anybody else, she’s happy to have company. I’d never seen her cry before until after my grandpa passed. These days though, her icy blue eyes water often.

I can’t help but wonder about all the experiences and wisdom she’s accumulated over the years. What’s going on up there? There is probably SO much that she doesn’t put into words, or can’t, certainly not in short 1-2 hour visits. I wish there was a way to download all of her experiences onto a hard drive to take home with me. To celebrate her life as well as learn from it.

Morrie Schwartz would’ve been a perfect candidate for this as well. However, this book does an exceptional job of doing just that. After reading it, I feel like I knew him. Missing an old wise professor I once had too.

I asked her about Regrets.

“Oh heavens, I've had a good life! I don’t think I have any regrets.” She answered quickly and with certainty. We can all hope to be so lucky.

Any advice for readers who want to live a life with no regrets? I asked.

"Make sure you love somebody. And when you do meet someone, only give them love, not hate or jealousy. —Not that you have to bend over backward for them, but be a good friend."

She went on and spoke about all relationships, not just romantic ones. “See the good, not the bad in everybody. And make sure you show your good, not the bad.” —Head nod.

I asked her what the most important thing in life was.

“Love what you’re doing. Love your kids. But love what you’re doing, and make the most of it.”

My grandma seemed to genuinely enjoy this novel. And I absolutely enjoyed our conversation. Thanks Gram.

Does anyone else have a similar story? Great advice from grandparents or a wise old professor? I want to hear it! LIKE and COMMENT below, tell me about it!

Written on a blustery winter day with a high temperature of 9 degrees Fahrenheit. But while sitting next to a warm wood stove with fuzzy socks and green tea.

“Sounds cozy, sign me up?” Or, “Get me the F* out of here?”